


For Broke

by themidnightrhapsody



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Complete, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-23
Updated: 2012-07-23
Packaged: 2017-11-10 13:16:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/466712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themidnightrhapsody/pseuds/themidnightrhapsody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's willing to risk it all - his life, his sanity, everything - if it means finding a way to fix this. Because Roxas isn't coming back on his own, and without him, Axel has nothing left to lose. Roxas/Axel, canon universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Broke

**Author's Note:**

> Original notes from FFN: On the whole, I hated 358/2 Days. Roxas had none of the personality we saw in the cutscenes of KHII and everything about Axel just disgusted me to the point where I was grinning like an idiot and inwardly cheering when Roxas left him in the dust (as opposed to my usual 'I dislike Axel, oh well' mindset). And I usually wouldn't write a story set in canon, because it's perfect, which means anything I changed would make it less good. But, in honor of 8/13 (which I just learned about), I'm trying to do a canon-based story...meaning, it takes place during that time frame. There will be tweaks – after all, this has a pairing – but I'm trying to keep it as true to the game as I can.
> 
> The biggest changes are: Roxas has a personality. Axel is almost tolerable. The journal is different. There are actual conversations and 'hanging out' times. And Xion is, unfortunately, too honest for her own good. (I adore Xion, and I think she deserves way better friends. Just saying.) The timeline is pretty vague, but let's just say this takes place during the end. Before everything goes to hell, but after Roxas starts losing his power to Xion. There will be time gaps, because we know what goes on during those times and the things we don't know (such as daily life, observations, etc) don't really matter. Oh, and that scene at the end, with 'no one would miss me?' Yeah, that's tweaked a bit too. The words are still said, but not in the same way and not at the same time.

It's something about Xion and ice cream and oh, how he  _hates_  when those go together. Xion's nice, and they're friends, but Roxas pays  _just enough_  attention to her to make Axel feel unwanted. It's irrational, of course – Roxas always wants him around, because he apparently knows everything – and it's also perplexing. Isn't the very state of being a Nobody more conducive to logic and rationality? There is no need to deal with pressure or inner conflict. No heart, no soul. Just action and consequence.

But then there is Roxas, and Roxas-with-Xion, and delusions of emotion.

"That's nice," he says absently. Let Roxas take it as a brush-off; it almost is.  _No, Roxas, don't talk to me about her anymore. I don't want to know how funny she is. I don't want to know what you two did on your mission today._

"Axel," Roxas replies. He thinks it might have been meant to sound whiny, but it came out dry, like everything else Roxas has ever said. Roxas is a perfect Nobody, but he is more real than anyone here. Almost poetic in its irony, that.

"What?"

"If you don't want to come, just say so. But I heard a girl in Twilight Town say it's mean to lie about things, like whether or not you were listening, and I believe her. When people lie to me it does something weird in my stomach."

So naïve.

"Sorry, I was preoccupied." The look on Roxas' face says  _okay, I'll accept that,_  and suddenly Axel is the one with stomach problems. Roxas would follow him to the ends of the earth, but only because that's what he's been taught. Roxas didn't choose him; the Organization did.

In fact, sometimes he wonders if Roxas resents him. Sometimes he gets a certain look, as though he's studying Axel, and can't stand what he sees; as though he has no choice but to continue their friendship. Perhaps for Xion's sake, perhaps on some orders from the Superior.

"Well, do you want to come?"

"Like I said, I was preoccupied. I didn't catch what you were saying." He watches carefully as Roxas' face doesn't fall, like it would have months ago. "So what were you saying?"

"Me and Xion are going to get ice cream and take it to the beach. She told me to come invite you." Something visibly passes through Roxas' mind and he adds, "But I would have invited you anyway."

And it's almost like he's being degraded.

"You're...what? That's not..." He doesn't know what to say, because it's such a weird thing to do.

Roxas seems to get the wrong idea entirely. "It's not against the rules, because we're not leaving Twilight Town. Xion's never seen a beach, and I...these eyes have never seen one, either."

It's such an odd phrasing, and there's some kind of sharp allusion there. It's both disturbing and disarming and inexplicably, Axel feels the urge to lock Roxas away somewhere so he can never escape. The notion is almost amusing, because the Keyblades aren't just weapons, but the urge doesn't disappear with the humor.

"Sure," he says, because someone ought to keep an eye on those two. He needs to know Roxas likes him as much as he likes Xion and he needs to make sure Roxas doesn't disappear.

It's disgusting, but he needs Roxas.

* * *

It's three days prior and they're at the beach and Roxas' hand is joined with hers. He says friends hold hands, because he saw it in Twilight Town. Xion looks less than impressed but she doesn't let go when Axel tells them in so many words that it's bullshit. It's the first time they haven't believed him.

It's two days prior and Roxas is in his room when he wakes up, on the floor. He's told that Xion won't let him sleep in her room anymore, and he can't stand thinking about what might have gone on in there – or that they didn't tell him.  _Didn't invite him?_

It's yesterday and Roxas is collapsed in his bed, paper strewn around him and fingers cut. Axel doesn't wake him, because he almost looks peaceful there, surrounded by doodles and origami. This is Xion's doing, he's sure of it – but he doesn't know why Roxas chose his room, or why he didn't ask, or why he couldn't wait for Axel to get back. There's a bit of writing on a pad under Roxas' head and he only catches three words: Xion, dream, and  _Sora._

It's now and he's exhausted. He spent all night watching Roxas sleep, irrationally afraid he'd disappear during the night. He doesn't know what he'll do if Roxas disappears. Probably die.

This isn't as funny as it should be.

* * *

"So...I heard some interesting things from Roxas," Axel says, pretending to not really care. Pretending to tease. In the fact, she's easier to talk to; Roxas perplexes him, but Xion is something like constant or consistent.

Her eager, inquisitive face nearly makes him falter. "What kind of things?"

"Things like...where he's been sleeping."

Xion's look goes soft, and if Axel had a heart, it would be a bit depressing. "Oh...I had to kick him out. There's something weird going on, and he's losing strength while I'm gaining it. I think it's because of the Keyblade, like it's only supposed to belong to one person, so I thought maybe if we didn't spend  _so much_  time together...but I don't know if it's working. He's always been stronger than anybody else...it's bad to see him this way."

"Huh." Axel presses on, despite the nagging sensation at the back of his head warning him to stop. "But why was he sleeping with you at all?"

"Oh, that. Well, you know that dream he has? About Destiny Islands? Where the darkness swallows his best friends and he's suddenly so weak and he's left to fight thousands of Heartless alone in the dark? The first time, he came into my room and started shouting. Kairi. He put his arms around me and called me Kairi." She sighs. "I don't know what that was about, but ever since then he's been strangely protective of me. So we slept in the same room because then, if I started to disappear, he could fight for me."

"No, I...didn't know about that dream," he says quietly. He tries to sound thoughtful, and only vaguely pensive, but Xion...she's gotten smarter and sharper lately.

She gives him an odd look. "You're feeling something right now, aren't you? There's a buzz around you like when I'm around real people and they're feeling something strong. Usually they shout or throw something or put their lips on somebody else, though. Real people do the weirdest things to show 'emotion;' a Nobody can do that any time."

"I don't have a heart," he reminds her, and tries not to think of what it means that Xion's picking up on his...thoughts. Or that she knows what kissing is, no matter how she speaks about it.

"Well..." Xion bites her lip, appearing to think hard. Finally, she says, "I'm not so sure. Maybe we don't need hearts to feel. Demyx says emotions are just chemicals released in the brain – we all have brains – and distributed through the body by our physical heart, which is the one that keeps us going. The one that circulates darkness. So our blood is darkness, but it has the same function, right? We can still bleed. It still speeds up when we're in danger. He thinks we  _can_  feel."

"Uh..." This confuses him, because he's never paid much attention to Demyx. He was always the annoying kid brother, even though they're about the same age, and didn't seem very bright. He's also not sure he buys it – it's probably just some crackpot theory Demyx made up to make it different.

"Well, Demyx is really smart," she says, and ducks her head like she has a secret. Axel decides he  _really_  doesn't want to know.

"I guess," he says dubiously. "Anyway, I...do you want to go...do something?"

He's not sure what made him say it. He wants to know her better – to make sure she's not trying to steal Roxas from him – and some of the things she says...make him smile. It's strange, but he'll go with it. Most of all, but only in the cobwebby corners of the truthful part of his mind, he wants to see if Roxas will be affected at all.

"Sure," she says. "Do you know where Roxas is?"

"He's tired," he says firmly. "I thought maybe it could just be us. You know, you, me, friendship, maybe a sunset?"

Now it's her turn to sound dubious. "Okay, but it won't be the same without Roxas."

"I know, but different isn't always bad."

Oh, how he wishes he could believe that.

* * *

When he knows more than he really needed to know, he tells Xion they should go back before they're missed. Destiny Islands is a hard place to leave, especially for Xion, but she knows what the consequences are for going off-world for too long when it isn't an assignment.

It's only about seven thirty, but after parting ways with Xion, he goes to his room anyway; there's nothing else to do. He's only mostly surprised – well, caught off-guard – when he sees Roxas there, on his floor, still folding paper. Roxas has moved onto giant squares of paper, and he laughs when he realizes what Roxas is making.

Boxes.

Roxas looks up and waves, but his look turns surly and he looks down at his paper again.

"What's that about, Roxas," he asks, sitting next to his friend and looking at the ceiling.

"I'm making boxes. Xigbar said we don't have hearts because we can't hold them until Kingdom Hearts is finished, but I can't wit that long. I met someone in Port Royal who keeps his heart in a box, so I asked Demyx how to make them. If I make enough boxes..." Axel looks at Roxas in a sort of pointed amusement, and Roxas continues, "I know it's stupid. But obviously Kingdom Hearts isn't going to be done for a long time and I thought...you know, maybe, on the off chance that it works..."

Axel tries to keep something like laughter out of his voice when he says, "Okay, but I was talking about the look. You look mad."

"We don't have hearts," Roxas says. "I can't be mad. You just made me sick when I couldn't find you. I waited for you and Xion for an hour, but I had to come back after that. Stop making me sick. I don't like it."

"...Sick." It's almost terrible. Roxas knows  _nothing._  He wonders – if he could have the kind of 'relationship' with Roxas as Zexion had with Lexaeus – would it be like taking advantage of a child? He can't do that. So he'll have to teach Roxas...somehow.

"Yes, my stomach gets all knotted and I sense the darkness in me getting stronger, moving faster. I think you did it on purpose, because Demyx said you left with Xion after  _you_  told her I was  _tired."_

"Then, why are you still here?" For some reason, he's something like defensive and he's not sure if it's because Roxas is  _right,_  or if it's because he doesn't want Roxas to know he's right. "Why bother to be in here at all, if I'm being so terrible?"

Roxas catches his gaze with such an intense look that Axel is physically incapable of turning his eyes away. It's like in that moment, Roxas has called upon the essence of Medusa and turned him to stone. "Because after I bugged Demyx enough, he said you're 'basically an all right guy,' and that I should give you a second chance. Xion says he's very smart, and his cluelessness is just a way to avoid missions, and I believe her because  _she's_  never lied to me."

 _She's_  never lied to me.

She's never lied to me.

He sits in something like horror (but not; horror isn't something a Nobody experiences) when the words truly set in. The undertones here are  _but you have. You've lied to me._  And for the first time since leaving that pathetic excuse for a kid Lea behind, he remembers what remorse is like. He wants to go and take back those lies, just so Roxas will...what? Trust him again?  _Idolize_  him again?

No, he doesn't want that. But he wants Roxas. It's disgusting, but he  _needs_  Roxas.

"Well, I..." And he opts for the truth here, because he suddenly  _has to prove himself._  "I took Xion to Destiny Islands. I guess I wanted to find out what was really going on with you two and I know you wouldn't tell me. She's a little too honest to fit in with the rest of the Nobodies, but that's a good thing for us three. I just wanted to make sure we were still, I don't know, friends or something."

But more like 'or something,' because Xion made it very clear that Demyx doesn't want her to teach Roxas what he's been teaching her. Roxas is wide open, and Axel thinks he must be the biggest coward to not take advantage of that this instant.

"You're right. I wouldn't tell you. But that's only because I don't know you, Axel. And that sometimes makes me sick too. It's an awful sensation, but we are still friends. Even though I know you might try to kill me someday, like you killed Zexion. I've already proved that I can beat you in a fight, so I'll knock some sense into you and we'll be friends again."

Is it really so simple? And, sharply, "How do you know  _anything_  about Castle Oblivion?"

Again, he's pinned with a stare. An almost disappointed look. "I'm not the best at seeing things, because I don't remember what anything is until someone tells me. But I'm not stupid. And when I hear people talking, I listen. Even when they're not talking to me. I decided not to say anything unless I needed to make a point."

It's something Axel would do himself and he doesn't know whether to be proud of his influence or disgusted by it. He's not comfortable with the idea of anyone knowing his secrets and keeping them for their own selfish reasons, but Roxas used to idolize him. Used to think he knew _everything._  But apparently, those days are over.

"Well, I had to," he says in weak defense. He doesn't know why he has to justify himself at all, except Roxas had something like a friendship with Zexion. He read books, trying to learn about the nature of Nobodies and Somebodies, and Zexion – ever eager to prove how much he knew – taught him more than Axel ever even  _could._  He didn't need to kill Zexion; he could have just brought him back, and denounced him, and let Xemnas deal out his own sentence. "He was sabotaging the mission. I was acting under orders."

"Because you  _always_  follow orders," Roxas says, and suddenly his voice is perfect because his dry tone is perfectly suited to sarcasm. Axel can't defend himself.

He wonders when Roxas grew a personality and why it isn't more...compliant, or submissive, or...maybe more like Xion. But it seems  _right._  Because of his very nature, Roxas will probably be the last one standing. He deserves the spot at the top. They all  _need_  him, because Axel knows that Xion isn't strong enough to be the Keyblade Master. Her weakness is her delusions of love and care. But aside from the practical reasons, Axel's  _sure_  he belongs under the Keyblade Master. He'd rather carry out orders from Roxas than orders from  _Xemnas._  He's almost a wash-up, lately.

This is all very quick because only seconds later he says, "You're right, sometimes I do my own thing. But this is different. For these orders...it was kill or be killed, and you know how I am about that whole dying thing."

Why is he lying again? Is this the way to gain Roxas' trust? But if he knew...oh,  _hell,_  if he knew...then trust wouldn't matter at all. Roxas would be disgusted at the real reason he had Zexion killed – and he might be even more disgusted that Axel didn't do it himself. It's not that he doesn't like to dirty his hands, but he knew he probably wouldn't be able to defeat Zexion; that pathetic excuse for an experiment was much stronger physically, and he had those fake emotions to drive him harder.

"You can kill anyone else you want," Roxas says, going back to his folding. It's as though his statement isn't gruesome; the tone is nonchalant, and almost cheerful, a strong contrast to the way he usually speaks. "I don't care about anyone but Xion and you, anyway. But you can't kill Demyx because he's Xion's secret special person."

He could say  _I couldn't kill them if I tried,_  but he doesn't. Instead, he says, "Why is that, anyway? Demyx is kind of..."

"She got hurt on a mission once, and Demyx taught her the healing spell. She said it made her want to be very close to him, and then he started teaching her things – how to be extra sneaky, how to hide things from people she can't trust, how to see things other people would miss. She says she'd choose us over him, but if you make her choose...I'll kill you. Don't think I won't."

And this is that protective side Xion mentioned. It's almost...sweet. Even though he's threatening Axel – almost blackmailing him. It's sort of admirable, that Roxas would kill to protect his friends, but also alarming that  _he's_  being threatened.

"I won't make her choose," he assures Roxas. "She's my best friend, too."

"Good." Roxas looks at the finished box in his hands and frowns. "This is pointless, and for some reason I'm really exhausted. Can I sleep in here with you?"

"Why?" He gives Roxas a sort of smirk which isn't teasing, because he really does want to know but he can't sound  _curious._  It's the kind of thing that gets taken advantage of all the time. "What do _I_  get out of it?"

"Nothing," Roxas says, giving him a strange look. "Whatever, I'll just go back to my room. I'm not a stupid kid; I don't  _need_  to make sure you guys are still here."

And it's sad, almost, because even after being fake-angry with Axel, Roxas still wants to protect him. From what, he doesn't know, and he doesn't need protecting, but it's not the point, and Roxas is getting up to leave and that's not good.

"Wait, I want you to stay," he says, and he expects another sleepless night.

* * *

When he wakes up – he doesn't remember falling asleep – Roxas has somehow managed to roll into the crack between the mattress and the wall. For a moment he thinks it's because Roxas is revolted by him, but then he realizes how stupid that is. Roxas isn't the type to spend time with someone he can't tolerate; it's why, at first, he didn't like having partners. He couldn't understand them, but he understood fighting, and that was all that mattered.

It's much more likely Roxas just rolled that way. Away from the heat Axel always radiates when he's not careful. He's too cautious about Roxas especially; thinks too much, reads into things too much. He has trouble remembering not everyone uses people shamelessly.

Only, that's not so true now, is it?

Without any warning at all, Roxas shoots up, shouting, "Riku!" His head hits the wall when he sags to the side and his eyes open. "Oh...good morning, Axel."

Axel's eyes narrow. This...is not good. "Riku?"

Roxas gives him a dry look. "No, I'm  _Roxas._  Who happens to be your best friend. Who's Riku? Is she...a different friend I don't know? A friend like..." Roxas looks away. "Like Xion's Demyx?"

"Ugh,  _no,"_  Axel says vehemently, before realizing – he needs to get away from this topic. Roxas can't remember. He just  _can't._  Everything would be lost, and he wouldn't be able to – "It's just a name you said. I was asking  _you._  But it doesn't matter; whoever she is, I'm sure she's safe now."

Perhaps keeping Riku's real gender to himself will keep Roxas away from suspicion for now, and _he's lying again._  To keep Roxas, he has to make Roxas believe he's trustworthy, and to make him believe it, he has to lie...it's a nightmare, a complete nightmare.

"Oh." Roxas seems to stiffen in something like frustration and Axel wants to know, but he doesn't want to ask. He's almost positive he won't like the answer. He won't let curiosity get in the way of common sense.

There's something wrong with him this morning. Looking at Roxas beside him, against the wall and ruffled by sleep, is making something happen within him. It's not lust – of course, this  _is_ Roxas, but that's only a side issue right now. It's coursing, flowing,  _thrumming_  and it's like feeling. It can't be feeling. It isn't, but it is.

"I think we should hurry," he says, quickly rolling off his side of the bed. "We don't want to be late for mission fun."

Roxas lets out a short burst of laughter and it's kind of wonderful. Axel likes it, and the 'feeling' gets more intense, and maybe it's some kind of spell or delusion but maybe it isn't. Maybe it's just something like coming to terms. Maybe Xion is right; maybe Demyx is right. Or maybe they're all just a bunch of nothing and all of this is a lie.

But does it  _really_  matter?

No, he realizes suddenly, it doesn't. It doesn't matter. And maybe it would be better to give into this, give into the 'feeling,' even if it is a delusion. It makes him feel  _good,_  like he has something. He doesn't have Roxas, but he has a feeling and nobody else does. And maybe Roxas would keep him. He just has to be better.

He's going to make Roxas keep him. He'll try until Roxas agrees, or until it kills him.

* * *

Xion's missing and Roxas is angry and Axel's angry too, but for different reasons. There's something going on he wishes he didn't understand. He wishes he could be like Roxas, oblivious to the sickness going on around him. It's been two weeks since he realized he really does love Roxas because he really can love, and he's been keeping such a close eye on him because he _can't_  take advantage of somebody with the mind of a kid. But Roxas is so much more than a kid, he's like a mature guy with amnesia. He doesn't have peace of mind, but only because...

Saïx  _r_ eminds him of his former, pathetic self, Lea. It's why he broke off their friendship, and even why he latched onto Roxas so quickly; they were so different. Roxas was nothing like Saïx, and Axel could teach him things which was nice because he couldn't ever teach anyone anything before. Saïx also reminds him of everything he could lose, everything he's going to lose. There's no Roxas-and-Xion, there's Roxas- _or_ -Xion and he's sure everybody knows which one he'll pick.

Roxas is going to hate him, but what else can he do? Xion doesn't deserve to have the kind of half-life she'd be condemned to if she took Roxas completely, and Roxas doesn't deserve to be sucked away into a body that isn't his. They're both too good for that.

If killing Xion means Roxas gets to live and she isn't twisting and hurting and changing anymore, that's what he'll do. Even if she hurts him. Even if Roxas hates him. She can't run. She can't hide, because he'll hunt her down and he'll fix Roxas and then it will all be right again, even if maybe it won't be okay. But Roxas isn't stupid either, and Axel finds his room empty and his Elixers gone and this is not going to happen, not on his watch. So he runs, and –

And Roxas has been here.

Saïx isn't moving and it's pathetic, but not really because Axel always knew Roxas was stronger than the rest, even robbed of half his strength by the puppet who doesn't want to be a real boy. Or a real girl, for that matter.

Their old friendship will never been rekindled, but he has to do  _something,_  and...Roxas. He needs to get Roxas, and bring him back. He needs to get to him before he does something else incredibly stupid and they realize he's having more than just a bad day.

Roxas is walking slowly through the streets, almost as if he's expecting someone, expecting Axel. He wonders if maybe it's true. Maybe he's itching for another fight; maybe he's still a little undecided. Maybe Axel can convince him.

"So, your mind's made up, then?"  _Please say no,_  he's thinking, and hopes he's wrong and this is the first time he'd hate to be right. He doesn't think Roxas would nearly kill Saïx just to go on vacation.  _Please say no._

"Why did the Keyblade choose me? I have to know." It's so much bottled  _bullshit._  Roxas doesn't need to know, but he needs an excuse. He's been floating away like an image, pixel by pixel and Axel can't grab hold because it's all an illusion. It's breaking apart, crashing, and if he doesn't act now...well, he just has to act now. No  _if._

"You can't turn your back on the Organization; they'll destroy you! You have to stay here with...us." He can't say  _me,_  even though his brain and his tongue try to make his lips cooperate. "You  _have_ to."

"Why," Roxas asks, irony in his tone. "What would  _I_  get out of it?" His voice drops and he adds, "No one would miss me."

And here's the root of the issue, he's sure of it. Roxas  _doesn't_  trust him, probably barely even likes him anymore. Why else would he leave behind everything he knows? He's slowly and surely drifting away and he's watching the sky intently, as though he can't even look into Axel's face.

He's about to say  _he_  would, but it's not going to be enough and suddenly he's on his knees and looking up, then looking down, then looking up again and trying to say something that will  _matter._ Something to get Roxas to understand how serious he is. "Look, Roxas, I know...I know I've messed up, okay? I'm not even going to make excuses this time, just...look at me? Please."

It's disgusting because he doesn't beg. He leads and he mocks and he manipulates but he doesn't beg. But he's begging Roxas, who would never understand that begging means love because Axel _doesn't_  beg. He's sure it only looks stupid, but he continues, because he  _has to._  He can't stop loving Roxas. And Roxas can't return his love, because it's not in whatever instructions or explanations Roxas received. It's not in the 'nature of a Nobody,' but Axel's beyond delusions of delusions. This is real. And he hates it, because it's completely taken over.

Roxas looks deeply disturbed when he leans down and takes Axel's hands, pulling him up with more force than is strictly necessary. Axel doesn't care, because Roxas is touching him and he could do anything, just as long as he didn't leave.

"You're making me sick again," he says quietly, and Axel's stomach sinks until Roxas reaches up with his hands and pulls Axel's head down. Suddenly their lips are touching and maybe he can deal with being sickening if it means  _this._  Nothing can be fixed with just a kiss, but he's going to lose himself in it until it's over. He doesn't want to think –

Oh.

Roxas isn't so naïve, after all. There's relief, but then he's  _everywhere,_  and this isn't the proper venue for this sort of thing, but he can't get his mind to focus on moving his lips in the right direction for those words. If he lets up, if he starts speaking...maybe Roxas will stop. He'll lose. He can't lose, not this time.

He realizes he's up against the wall now, pulled down and pushed back all at once and for the first time he completely randomly thinks about Larxene, is  _so glad_  she's dead now because she hated him and she'd ruin this like no one else could ruin this. But this is  _their_  corner,  _their_  world, and he's not going to let stupid memories make this any less enjoyable. She's not here to ruin everything.

"Axel, we-" He cuts Roxas off with a sharp bite to the upper lip, but Roxas speaks again. "We have to go...somewhere else."

He's glad Roxas said it, because he couldn't have. He can barely speak now, for fear of breaking the spell. He's so disgusting right now, so weak and helpless and it's okay, because it's Roxas and their world and "Yeah. Okay."

He reaches behind him and creates a portal against the wall. They fall into it gracelessly and Axel's pretty sure they're in Roxas' room, because he can see that stupid blue lamp out of the corner of his eyes. Roxas pushes him toward the bed and  _why is he letting Roxas take over like this?_

He likes it. He'll never, ever give up anything to anyone, but Roxas is different. Roxas  _owns_  him, simply because he can't live without him. He'd walk on a  _leash_  if it meant Roxas would never leave. But he'd never have to. Roxas is better than that.

Then they hit something soft and Roxas is lifting his head up and saying something. "Axel, I don't..."

"Don't what?" He sounds panicked, because he is. Don't want to do this? Don't like you enough to do this?

"I don't-" and here, he leans down again, kissing him again like he can't help it. Against his lips, Roxas says, "I don't know what to do now."

He has a surge of  _something_  inside, maybe affection, maybe hope, and yes, sure, love, but it's different. Roxas never admits these things, never wants to seem clueless because he hates being Told. But, this is different, and Axel loves it  _loves it_  so much.

"Let me – let me help you," he says. He's never had sex before either, but it's not like he doesn't know what to do. Roxas doesn't know anything and it would be taking advantage of him to roll over and fuck him and Axel doesn't want to anyway. It would feel wrong, it would  _be_  wrong.

There's a struggle with buttons because they're both shaking like addicts, and there's something on his lips or neck or chest every other second and he's breathing, but part of him doesn't want to be. He wants all this material gone, he wants everything, he wants Roxas. He needs to feel Roxas everywhere, inside of him, being in him because it will feel like forever, even if it won't be.

He lifts his hips and pulls off his own pants because Roxas is taking forever and he can't do this anymore, can't wait. He's frantic and tearing at buttons and maybe it's because this heat is unbearable – he doesn't know how Roxas can possibly stand to touch him like this, but he's not going to think on it too hard – but he knows it's partly because he needs forever  _right now._

And then Roxas falters because he's ready and waiting for instruction and for the first time in a long time he gets to be a guide again. "It's...gonna hurt," he says, because he thinks it will. He remembers hearing it hurts but he's not worried because this will be worth whatever pain he has to endure. "But don't hold back, I'll get over it."

There's tongue on his chest and lips quick and shallow over the same spot, where his heart should be, and against there, "Promise?"

And this is something he's never going to regret, and he's not going to let this chance slip away.

"I promise."

* * *

He knows, before he's fully cognizant, that Roxas is gone. He didn't expect Roxas to be there. He hoped Roxas would realize he was loved and would stay, but Roxas  _does_  want to be a real boy. What does Axel mean, next to that?

Just because Roxas wants this, wants to run off and destroy something good, doesn't mean Axel will let him. He can't beat Roxas in a fight, but he proved last night there are other methods of getting Roxas to come back. He'll do whatever it takes, throw himself down.  _Whatever it takes._

But first he has to find Xion, because he has to bring her back and take her to Roxas and make her give back his power. He's pretty sure  _she_  doesn't want to live, but Roxas isn't like her and Axel doesn't want Roxas to be like her so...she doesn't get what she wants either. Saïx doesn't even have to tell him what today's mission is; he just waves him off, saying, "I know, I know. I'll take care of it."

And Xion is right where he thought she'd be. He mumbles to himself, knowing that she'll hear, because it's always better to start off on a lighthearted note with her. Even if the situation is heavy and  _wrong,_  like it is now. He's going to take care of it.

He's  _infuriated,_  like he's never infuriated with Roxas, because she just  _admitted_  she doesn't want to live but she refuses to do the  _real_  right thing. He tells her he's always thought it was for the best, but he's not talking about the same thing she is. The place she belongs is wherever Roxas is, because she has to give him his life back. He's so angry at her because she thinks she can do whatever she wants and that will probably ruin Roxas' chance and he'll take care of it. He  _has_  to take care of it.

But taking care of it is harder than he thought it would be. He's still sore and the Potion took care of most of the pain but it's hard to move and he's off his game. Xion tells him not to hold back and then comes at him with the Keyblade and it's like the entire world tilts because who'd have thought she would go to this extreme?

But he knows her. She's not unpredictable, like Roxas. She's easy to defeat but it  _hurts_  and he's exhausted from sex or worry or what else. He barely has the strength to make a portal but he does, because there's no way he can fail this mission.

There's something like blindness and he hits the floor.

* * *

It's something about  _he defeated Xion_  and  _impostor_  and  _captured_  and there's nothing left but shattered pieces. Everything fell down around him and he thinks maybe if he'd been more honest, more forthcoming with his answers...but it probably wouldn't have mattered. It still hurts like hell. The shattered pieces are all underneath him, made of glass.

Roxas...Roxas is gone. He's intangible and invisible because he's  _gone._  And he knows everything that happened meant next to nothing, but for Axel...

Making love was a paradoxical forming and breaking. Secrets, promises. Secret promises.  _I promise to lie to you until we wake up._  Pieces found their places in an alternate puzzle, and Roxas...Roxas didn't fit anywhere, except inside.

There was  _oh fuck, please,_  with undertones of  _I love you_  which at one point Roxas would never, ever understand because he took everything at face value. In fact, he's fairly certain Roxas still thinks friendship is eating ice cream with people. Axel's not sure he wants to know what Roxas thinks about sex.

But he might not ever get to know.

He knows Xemnas will send him to track down Roxas, not only to test his strength and loyalty to the Organization, but also because he knows Roxas best. He'll do it. He'll do everything in his power, and even try to draw on someone else's power if he can, to bring him back. Because he can't live without Roxas. He doesn't  _want_  to live without Roxas.

If he can't have Roxas...then the only other option is to die. And he's not so good with the whole dying thing, so he's going to work until he breaks.


End file.
